Another Milestone

Our Bric can walk!!! It's been 3 days now since Bric can walk unassisted all around the house. So now that he's discovered the joy of walking, he's like the Energizer Bunny. He just keeps going and going and going. His sleeping schedule during the day is disrupted because he just can't get enough of walking. He's so funny.

Starting on the 8th month, Bric has been learning so many new things. He is now like a sponge and he's developing his personality. He's got his Dad's happy disposition. It takes so little to make him smile. He got his Dad's friendliness. He savors and relishes being the center of attention - sometimes even looking for it. He solicits applause, and calls your attention if you're not paying him any. During our flights to Cebu and Manila, he never fails to befriend a stewardess or a fellow passenger (even flirting with them).

It's actually funny how tables have turned. When we'd fly before and we hear a kid screaming or crying, we get irritated. Now, it's our own baby making noises and being restless and though it's embarrassing sometimes, it's also amusing, and most times, we are helpless on shutting Bric up. He's got a mind and will of his own. So, we just beg for our fellow passengers' indulgence and hope we're not disturbing them too much.

Sometimes, when I'm with Bric, I am surprised at how much he already understands. He follows when we ask him to put his socks in his shoes. He says 'nam nam' when it's eating time. He says 'ba ba' (be bye) and waves his hand when he leaves us to go out. He knows how to 'love' by leaning and embracing us. He kisses us, waves at us and even statues or pictures. He jumps about when there's music (that's the way he dances). He claps his hands when he knows he's done something he thinks we expect him to do. He's a bundle of energy and amusement. He brings so much love and joy in our lives!

Grouchy!

Before leaving the office last night, I dropped by the desk of one of our staff to follow up on her report. This report has been due since 3 weeks ago. When I finally saw the report, I already saw an error on the first line. I was quite disappointed and frustrated since this was long overdue and I expected it to be accurate since it had taken that long for her to make, the least it could be was correct.

Out of frustration, I couldn't help but unleash my 'temper' 'moderately' towards her. My hubby happened to pass by when he saw my 'controlled outbursts', and he intercepted.

While waiting for the elevator, he told me not to be too hard on that particular person. She might just break down. I kinda felt bad after that, not so much because it felt like he was siding with her but more because of my guilt.

When we got home, I was still getting grumpy and irritable. I was restless. It felt like there was so much negative energy within me that had to find an outlet. Any little thing irked me. So, instead of boxing a wall or banging my head, I channeled all this pent up energy to treadmilling, hoping I'd feel lighter after that. I did but oh so slightly. Then I read Goldie Hawn's autobiography, A Lotus Grows in the Mud, which is a feel good book but I didn't totally feel good after.

When none of my escape tactics worked, I decided to go to sleep. Obviously, I couldn't right away, so I prayed. It was only after a quieting down within me that I got the courage to look inside me and really ask what was going wrong that night after that incident.

I blamed everyone and everything else at my irritability. Maybe I was sensitive because I'll be having my period soon; perhaps I was tired from a long day at work. None of those were acceptable enough. The underlying reason for my feeling irritable was my guilt!

I felt bad because I let my frustration get the better of me; I felt bad because I wasn't patient enough; I felt bad because I was perhaps rude to someone who despite her shortcomings still remained 'nice' and ever so patient in handling our outbursts. I had to deal with my own monsters. How have I become so mean and arrogant?

After admitting the real reason for my touchiness, I felt a little better. I told myself tomorrow, I'll treat that particular staff better and with more patience. I resolved to be more humble, stretch my patience and hold my temper in. I will try not to be too sungit.

As we grow older, although I believe we learn more about life, it shouldn't give us reason to be more arrogant and behave like a know-it-all. As we mature, we should instead be more compassionate towards others and be a better person. It isn't our egos that should grow bigger, but our hearts.

Cleaning Day

I just finished taking a shower and dressed myself in shorts and a plain white shirt. Today is cleaning day for me... more like organizing our room day.

It's been 3 years already since I moved in with Boydee in his room. And up to today, my closet space still remains at 2 1/2 closets. The rest of the 3 1/2 and a few more on top are his. 1/2 was Bric's but since Bric has a nursery already, that half reverted back to Boydee. So, thank God I'm not too kikay to have too many clothes.

Aside from closets, our whole room has always been in kind of a mess. Boydee and I aren't the most organized and oc-oc house people. Thank God we only have a room plus one nursery. Imagine if we had a whole house (but then again, there might be more space to store our stuff).

We've already placed boxes and boxes of clothes, collections, etc. in the attic but there's still a lot of things here to sort out. It seems I'm forever 'spring cleaning' but our room still gets messy.

So, the thing to be done is to ORGANIZE. Assign areas, drawers for particular categories. That way, when there's new stuff, we know where to put them instead of just on the massage bed at the foot of our bed, or on the floor where it stays for weeks, months, (gasp) years...

Keeping our room clean should also be a commitment and tidiness a lifestyle.

Hopefully today, I'll be successful in starting to organize. Hopefully starting today, I'll stay committed to keeping our room neat and clean. I know there will be lazy days, so then I'll just have to start again. Wish me luck!

Shopping Pressure... errrr.... Pleasure

After 4 days in Macau and 3 in HK, we come back to our beloved country where our son awaits us. Bric greets us at the airport. Our baby is growing up so fast. He's now walking more than 5 steps and he doesn't want to be held. Hehe...

Despite my drowsiness from having to wake up at 7am (having slept at around 1am) to catch our flight, I didn't sleep when we got to the house. I started unpacking and realized we didn't buy too many stuff... which is good because we didn't spend too much money.... but I'm thinking I should have bought another one of those 'pylone' reminder buttons for our bathroom mirror or the pylone passport holder. Too late for regrets since we're not in HK anymore.

I've often been teased as 'kuripot' (thrifty) by my hubby which almost had me convinced. But after giving it serious thought, I've made a conclusion about my spending habits. I'm "practical" more than I am "kuripot"; I decide which things to splurge on and which stuff I can do without. I am a 'moody' shopper; I have to be 'in the mood' to shop and it's not a switch that is 'on' all the time.

I spend on the following:
1. food!!! - This is so self-explanatory... When we travel, I like to try the different restaurants and the cuisine a place has to offer. There are just endless possibilities with food and my palate is just only too willing to explore what the gastronomic world has to offer.
2. Travel - I'd like to believe that traveling is an educational and humbling experience. In travel, we learn about different cultures, see how different we are from one another, on one hand, and so alike on the other. It is also an exercise in humility as we realize just how small we are, how we form part of an even bigger world outside our own familiar corners of our home cities.
3. Loved ones - Gifts, trips, scrapbooks - I don't hesitate giving those to loved ones specially to Boydee, Bric, our 2 Moms, Dad and our brothers, sisters and nieces and nephews. But when it's Christmas, now, that's another story. Hehe...
4. Books!!! - Ate Rona was saying she can spend hours and hours in a bookstore and I couldn't agree with her more. I was telling Boydz that if I had to work in the US, I'd be happy and content working in a bookstore like Borders or Barnes and Noble or Page One in HK. Oh, I'd probably be reprimanded for reading too much and not paying attention to the customers. :)
5. clothes (not really so much) - I do this as a one-time shopping spree or occasional splurges because I don't really go to malls often and most times, I'm too lazy to try something on especially if it's just one piece of clothing. If there's a particular style I like that suits me, I tend to buy all the colors. I guess I'm a lazy shopper when it comes to clothes. Moreso now that I am overweight and still plan on losing at least 20 lbs!!! I don't want to buy too many clothes since I might just successfully lose my unwanted bilbils and oil deposits... (crossing my fingers here)
4. shoes - My Mom used to say to me about buying my shoes: Because your feet are big, it's hard to look for your size so if there's a style you like, buy it. I'm more careful now because sometimes, I buy shoes I hardly get to wear. I used to buy fakes until my friend told me a top-seeded tennis player had her ankles damaged because she wore fake adidas rubber shoes. That scared me so from that time on, when it came to rubber shoes and walking shoes, no more fakes for me. Now that I type this, I'm beginning to doubt the story... I mean, why would an international top-seeded tennis player wear fakes???!!! But my friend's logic stuck. Don't mess with feet!
5. Other needs and some 'wants' - Needs are our family's essentials with some specifics/premium on some items... like soap has to be Dove because Boydee's allergic to some others; toilet paper preferred is the one from Rustan's because it's 3-ply so you actually use less because it's thicker, etc... Other "luxuries" are tech stuff (more Boydee's) and services like massage (this I absolutely LOVE!), hair highlights (once a year or even once every 1 year and a half), formal gowns (only if an occasion calls for it).

Shopping is an art and a skill. To be able to hunt for the lowest price for an item, or to be conscious and updated how much a particular thing costs is not easy and requires time. I humbly admit that this is a skill and talent I don't possess; which is just so fortunate that I don't have too many "needs" or "desires"; no tendency of keeping up with the Joneses. I am a stickler for 'saving for a rainy day.' We still have one son and plan to have 1-2 more so we have a lot to spend for in the future. So, we're saving up but that doesn't mean the quality of our lives is less. As cliche as it may sound, money and material things can't buy you happiness. But then again, having them sure helps. Hehe...

Macau, Days 2 & 3

Yesterday, we spent half the day in Zhu Hai, China. We crossed over the Macau-China boundary by shuttle bus, went through Immigration twice and shopped in Zhu Hai - Macau's answer to HK's Shen Zen.

Here, haggling is an art and a must. Haggling is done by who presses the lowest digit in the calculator. Hehe... Haggling brings out the fun and challenge in shopping but then, it does get tiring after a while. Anyway, favorite buys of that trip were our matching North Face jackets. I also got myself a NF backpack which doubles as a laptop bag. I can use this for those rugged outings. For Boydee, my favorite pick for him, was the Hugo Bass curdoroy jacket. The fit looked perfect on him! We bought PJs as pasalubong for our yayas and drivers; and for Bric, we bought PJs as well and 2 pairs of shoes. Fake Tiffany & Co. pendants were also where our shopping money went to, mostly for gifts. Then at 7pm, we all went back to Macau.

Today, we had lunch at an italian restaurant in Fisherman's Wharf; had several picture taking sessions. Then, Boydee and I went to Wynn's to have Mommy Nonie's Chanel watch fixed. The rest of them went back to Venetian. Boydee and I also dropped by the Penha Church which looked so inviting from the road. Nestled on top of a hill, it provides visitors with a view overlooking the city of Macau. The church itself was surprisingly small and simple despite the gothic edifice looking humongous from the outside. Perhaps a seminary was housed there? After a look-see, we went back to our hotel.

Back in the hotel, we decided to try our luck in the casino since we were in a casino hotel already. We played Black Jack and played with HK$1,000. After a few minutes, we were up by $1,500 so we decided to call it quits. As they say, 'Quit while you're ahead,' and so we did.

Now, we're lounging around our room waiting for dinner time. This has been a relaxing and fun vacation. Except that we're missing our Bric. But in a few more days, we'll be able to hug and kiss him again. For now, it's bonding time with Daddy, Mommy and Lola and the brotherhood and sisterhood, plus Agila and Mike. We're very fortunate to be able to afford this luxury to be able to travel together; luckier still that our family is a happy bunch and actually enjoy one another's company! It's like being in one big barkada, where it only takes so little to make each other laugh!

Hello Again Macau!

We're back in Macau, the whole gang of us Dizons "adults" plus future Dizon, Zhar, and Lola Nene. This time around, we're spending four days in Macau instead of just a day trip when we were last together in March 2007 for Mommy Shalene's birthday.

Today is Day 1 and it's been an easy and tiring day. I've disrupted my sleeping schedule because we had to wake up at 4am today to make it to our 8am flight. Upon arrival, we took the hydrofoil to Macau. It is great how the cities of HK and Macau are very forward looking especially in developing its tourism industry. From the HK Airport, we can now go direct to Macau via the Ferry without the inconvenience of having to drag our luggage all over. We simply hand the Ferry staff with our baggage claim tags and then they get it for us and bring it with the hydrofoil. When we get to Macau, we claim our luggage with the same baggage tags. We didn't even have to pass through Immigration in HK. Really, really convenient. Kudos to our tour leader for this trip, Rondic, for making the travel arrangements and leading the pack! :)

When we got to Macau, we headed straight to the Venetian Shuttle where we were taken to Venetian. This hotel is just soooo huuuuggeee!!!! So huge and populated, in fact, that going around the lobby towards Bambu, the Asian Buffet outlet where we had our late lunch, felt like being in a marketplace with ambience. The hotel was just so full of people!

I thoroughly enjoyed our late buffet lunch of roasted goose, pork herb soup, chinese noodles, black pepper beef, and sweet and sour fish. Not too good were the sio mai and ha kaw. Despite a few let downs, it was still a good and full lunch with the older Dizon couples (Ate, Japa, Rondic, Lai, Boydee and myself) sharing shallow jokes and laughing heartily because we were all just too full.

After several minutes' wait in Dad and Mom's colossal suite room, our rooms were ready and we all headed to our respective sleeping quarters. Our rooms are luxurious, spacious and ostentatious. What's best is the FREE wi-fi internet access! At least, we're not cut off from the rest of the world.

Boydee and I spent our idle time watching the championship round of the Australian Open which saw 2 great future tennis players, Serb Novak Djokovic and a very promising and charming French player, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga. While Novak won the trophy (his 1st grand slam and the 1st Serb to ever win a Singles Grand Slam Tourney), it was Tsonga who won the hearts of the Aussies. His game was very fresh, 'free' and fearless. A lot more is in store for this new 18th seed.

I got hungry after the match so after a call to Ate, we all went down for dinner at the food court. We strolled around the Grand Canals Shopping Center and ended our day at Dad and Mom's room to decide what to do the next day. Once decided, we all went to our rooms one by one or two by two, actually.

It is now 12:40am of January 28. It is time to call it a night. We just finished Day 1 of our Macau trip. Tomorrow is Shopping day at Zhu Hai. Gotta rest so we can have the energy to shop, shop, shop!

Flight of An Angel

It has been 5 days since I gave birth to our 2nd baby, 5 days since she lay on my chest, 5 days since we said our tearful hello's and then, it was time to say our goodbye's forever.

In the early morning of January 4, I had consistent hourly contractions from 4am til 7am. I decided I had better have myself checked just to be sure we, Boydee, myself, Bric and Yaya, were ok to fly back to Manila the day after. We've been in Cebu since December 30 to spend New Year with my side of the family. Mommy Nonie called Dr. Milagros Chan, a family friend and a veteran OB-Gyne, and she readily said she'd see me at 9am that day.

Mom, Boydee and I went to see her in her clinic. After a brief overview of my condition and looking at my records, she checked me and asked me to have myself admitted to our preferred hospital. I was apparently already in labor and was already 6-7 cm dilated. We rushed to Chong Hua Hospital, got myself admitted then I was sent straight away to the Labor Room. At about 11am, I was being wheeled to the Delivery Room getting ready for delivery. Even if River was breech, I was relieved that Dr. Chan decided to do a normal/vaginal delivery for me. I was also quite relieved that I would be delivering my baby in Cebu where everything is just easier since everybody knew everybody here. It was easier to request that Boydee be in the DR with me so we can baptize River when she came out.

At 1:26pm, River came into our world at 7 months in my tummy. She was tiny and didn't cry much. Dr. Chan allowed her to rest on my chest for a few minutes. Boydee was standing beside us, and in a second, we baptized her together. She was baptized River Uy Dizon. Forty four minutes later, she passed. She lived long enough for us to baptize her, long enough for us to see her and hold her, just long enough for me to say I am so sorry she didn't have a chance to live longer and normally, just long enough for us to say we love her and just long enough for her to feel the love of her parents.

River wasn't born with the perfect figure, nor the perfect face. Her condition didn't allow her to develop normally. But her spirit was most beautiful and her soul most pure.

Her condition may have brought us much sadness, confusion and was such a trial of our faith but it also brought us closer to one another and to our families, and most especially deepened our faith in God. I believe we made the right decision in choosing life over death when we lifted all to God and gave Him the decision as to when and where to take River away. He couldn’t have chosen the more perfect day and place.

River would have been surrounded and showered with so much love here on earth but God intended for her to be with Him in heaven. Her beauty was not of this earth and her mission was not to live here with us; but to watch over us from above in the company of God, as our little angel.

River was cremated last January 5 at the Cebu Rolling Hills with her Mamalyn and Mama Rona as witnesses.

They say a soul goes to heaven three days after he or she breathes her last breath. River would have already taken flight by now and hopefully, is in the protective care of her Mama Mary.

We are most blessed to have an angel-daughter, and Bric, an angel for a sister. Til we meet again, River. Bring our love with you to heaven and watch over us. I miss you so much!!!

My Two Rafaels

Tonight was date night for Boydee and I. We had a tremendously early dinner (5:30pm) at UCC in The Clubhouse, in White Plains. I had Sumiyaki Eel and Mushroom Spaghetti, Boydee had Garlic Shrimp Spaghetti and Shrimp in Tomato Cream Sauce. The latter was yummier than the former but what really caught us by surprise was the petite serving size! For my order which cost P419, the spaghetti hardly even reached a 100 grams! We could've eaten in Teriyaki Boy and paid half our bill and left with fuller stomachs. This branch of UCC was a disappointment. Nevertheless, because of its location, we may still end up coming back here. Hehe... Despite the let down, it didn't spoil our mood. I savor the chance to be just with Boydee and talk about lighter things in life - not work, not problems, just unimportant things. Then we took a stroll in next door Santi's and Rustan's Fresh Supermarket.

We came home with Bric at the dinner table already in his red pajamas and still in a 'newly awakened' mood. He was seated in his stroller beside Lolo Boy. Our baby motioned for us to carry him in my arms but I had to pee so Daddy Boydee whisked him off of his stroller. When I came back, Bricky reached out towards me. I carried him downstairs to our room. It was just me, Boydee and our baby Bric. We all three lay in bed, Bric occasionally moving about, but mostly drowsy. Boydee dozed off to sleep. Eventually, Bric went on light sleep mode, but couldn't quite get the position he wanted so he moved about, stirring this way and that, wiggling, scratching his head, moving his hands. Eventually, I took him in my arms and sat on our chair and lullabied him to sleep.

There is nothing more precious than cradling your baby in your arms while he dozes off to sleep. Just staring at his innocent face, eyes closed, interrupted by his mild snores, and his eyes holding on to yours while he is asleep is an experience, a moment that I'd always hold special. It's a sure heart-warmer.

I thank the Lord for the times I get to spend with my 2 Rafaels, whether separately or especially together. There's also a different warmth and kick at watching Boydee and Bric play together. Ahhh... to be surrounded with so much love and be gifted with 2 angels! What more can an ordinary wife and mother ask for?

The Coming of the Relics

The pilgrim relics of St. Therese of the Child Jesus is coming on January 15-March 13 and her first stop will be the Shrine. We're part of the Steering Committee although Boydee and I were only able to sit in this late in the planning because we were in the US for a month. Thanks to Japa for filling in for us and representing MVC with Mario and Allan.

As the day draws near, we are cramming to do what else needs to be done. For one, the merchandising opportunity had been overlooked so today, we met with Nora and Elma to discuss what souvenir items we can sell so that the possible profit can at least defray what we are about to spend. We realize that it won't really cover our expenses but what little help we can give will go a long way. It's still better than nothing. We just hope we can sell all our items.

Tomorrow, we will meet with Father Ernie, vice rector of the Shrine, to suggest and discuss possible activities for the Shrine while St. Therese's relics are there. We want to at least be secure that a lot of people will visit her there. Brother Froilan Torres is helping us with the activities - from the conceptualization to the execution. We hope Fr. Ernie approves of our proposal.

TV and print ads are already in place with fliers and posters to follow.

We hope and pray her visit to the Philippines will be a success in the sense that a great number of people's faith will be renewed and rekindled. If even just one person will be inspired to do good things and affect others because of her visit here, then the trip will not have been in vain.

Christmas Realization

Had Christmas Mass at home at 10:30pm. While receiving Jesus in Holy Communion, I thanked Him for choosing to come down on earth to be with us. He could've chosen to be born in a palace or even the lowly inn, but He chose to be born in a humbler place - a manger. He could've chosen to be born to a wealthy family, but he chose to be a carpenter's son. He could've chosen NOT to have been born here on earth at all because He knew what fate awaited Him. He knew the road was going to be rough; He knew He had to suffer and die for us, and yet, even if He could've just passed on the cup, He took it because of His great love for us. He knew the outcome and yet He still went on His mission.

I realized in life, it isn't the destination that matters most of the time, but the path towards it. In the past few days, I would be filled with questions and would feel sorry for myself and for our baby because of the fate that awaits him. I couldn't understand why I had to carry him if he were not to survive anyway. Why did God have to let me go through this pregnancy for nothing? Why did our baby have to be formed if he would say goodbye so soon? Why endure this 'waiting' when we know the outcome already?

Tonight, my questions may not have found answers but I have taken on a different mindset. Jesus knew He was going to be born, only to die for us. With his birth came the promise of a death so cruel and painful because it was His mission to fulfill. With my second pregnancy, although the choice of having to be pregnant with a 'dying' baby was not a choice we made, it is a fact that has been given to us. With River, we know that it will only be a matter of days or even hours before God will call him to heaven but it shouldn't mean that all is for naught. God has His reasons, and even if we can not find the answers right away, I will follow Jesus' example and embrace what God has chosen as my fate, as well as that of our baby's. Again, it isn't whether we reach our destination, but the path we take to reach it. I intend to reach the finish line, that of delivering River safely out of my womb and into heaven with his baptism, bravely, and in full surrender of God's will. I will try to conquer my doubts, my fears, my sadness and just lift all to God, trusting He will watch over us all.

Happy birthday Jesus! Thank You for Your example and for giving Yourself to us. May You find a peaceful home in our hearts as You come on earth to be with us.

The Last Days Before Christmas

Two more days before Christmas... The gifts have been wrapped and ready for giving. Food to be served on the Eve and on the day have been planned, prepared, ordered, bought and some, ready for pick up tomorrow.

Today, we just spent an afternoon with the children ages 5-10 from Marytown, the squatters area behind the Gavinos' house. There were about 210 kids in all. What a riot! But it was fun. I miss those outreach activities we used to hold in Cebu. For the Zugbuanas, it was the Looc children which we celebrated Christmas with. Our SHS-G Alumnae would host lunch for the orphans of Don Bosco. My little foundation would spend an afternoon with the Busay kids complete with food, balloons and games. Of course, they didn't reach 200 but it was our little way of sharing the spirit of Christmas and giving back whatever blessings God has given us to the less fortunate.

When I have time, I'd like to choose a charity Boydee and I can help with - perhaps an orphanage or a center for children afflicted with cancer. Didn't have the time to scout around for one this year. But then again, we don't have to wait til Christmas to give, right? So, maybe after the holidays.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It'll be Bric's second Christmas. How fast time flies indeed. It only feels like yesterday when I held our little baby in our arms. Now, he's an 11kg baby!!!

As for our 2nd... Lately, I've been asking God why He gave me, He gave us, this painful reality of having to carry a baby (almost to full term) and not have our baby live. Each time I feel this baby in my womb move, I feel sad and helpless. It seems this littlest one is a fighter and yet, it really isn't in our hands what fate he has before him/her. More than the fear of the eventual delivery and the complications that may come with it, what pains me most is the outcome. River (that will be his name) wasn't even given a choice, nor the chance to fight it out. Just 5 months in my tummy and his fate had been sealed. How sad is that?!? And yet we can not question Him. There has got to be a reason. For now, the answer evades me.

This Christmas will be the first and the last our 2nd will spend with us. And he has no choice but to spend it inside me. For now, this is our complete family. Until our next baby or babies.

It's a happy/sad Christmas... but we always just have to look at the bright side. We just have to look beyond ourselves and focus on Jesus' birth. He came to earth to be with us, to save us, to guide us. That is more than we can ever be thankful for.

Bric's Birthday Plans

I started planning early for what was to have been Bric's BIG birthday celebration. The concept was floating in my mind since September this year and I already had an excel file listing down props, the menu, loot bag concepts and food carts. It was to have been a beach-themed party - a summer party in the middle of December with beach balls lining the column walls, perhaps a sand bar or inflatable pools, loot bags consisting of a pail, shovel, groovy sunglasses and a beach towel, among others. Somewhere along the way, I got stuck and had second thoughts about the beach theme. It was going to be, after all, on a December day when perhaps the chilly wind would have found its way in. Summer in the midst of "winter" wasn't very apt. So, the brainstorming stopped and the concept was temporarily shelved. I was taking my time waiting for inspiration to hit me again.

Except that it wasn't inspiration that hit me, hit us. It was the sad news of our 2nd baby. Then we had to fly to the States. With only less than a week to prepare for Bric's birthday, I visited Blimpworks for a possible set up for a simple gathering here in La Vista. Helen of Blimpworks was very accommodating and I got excited when I saw their catalog for a 'jungle/circus' theme and a unicyclist/juggler for entertainment. With that, I wanted to move the celebration to the 16th so more kids could join. On the other hand, Boydee and I were amenable to having a 'simple' celebration.

When I got home, I told Boydee the concept. He was pretty practical about the whole thing and
expressed that perhaps by this time, Christmas parties would have been scheduled already, and if we were gonna do something half-baked, we might as well just go for the 'simple' celebration.

After a series of short discussions, we finally settled on having a just us dinner - meaning tayo tayo lang dinner with just the immediate family on both sides - Dizons and Uys - at a Chinese restaurant. We will, of course, bring Bric to Mass and have Father give him a birthday blessing.

So that's how Bric's 1st birthday will be spent. No lavish props nor hired entertainers. Just the family, and just Mass. But that's all that really matters. He will be surrounded by the people who truly love him, and blessed by the One who created him. It may not be a 'festive' birthday, but it will be a meaningful one.

To our beloved first born son, you have brought so much joy, energy, love and laughter in our lives. We can not thank God enough for the gift of your life in our lives. May God continue to bless you with good health and abundant love. May you grow up to be an intelligent, kind-hearted, handsome man who will serve God in the best way He wants you to serve Him. We love you, our little, smiling one.

Back to Reality

After a month in the States, we're now back home. After a series of check ups and consultations, after a pocket vacation with Rondic and Elizza with Mommy Shalene and Boydee in Virginia (Williamsburg, Yorktown, Jamestown and Washington DC) with much thanks to Zendle and Patrick (sis and bil of Zhar) for welcoming us into their home with Tita Belle to take care of us, after a weekend trip to Las Vegas courtesy of Tita Belen at Mandalay with Mom, Roc, Randy and Stella, we are finally back in Manila.

Bric picked us up at the airport and at first, he didn't want to be carried in my arms. He would cry... And it literally tore my heart to pieces! Eventually, he warmed up and my heart was mended. I could finally hold our baby in my arms and kiss him all I wanted. He's now such a grown boy!!! He can sit up straight and crawl very fast! And my, what a noisy boy!!! He's very adamant when he wants something and would not settle until he gets it. Uh-oh, symptoms of a spoiled child? Hopefully not! Hehehe...

I just have to thank Ate Rona for taking good care of our baby while we were away and for keeping us updated with his developments through her blog which I read and re-read and checked almost daily whenever I could.

As for my pregnancy, well, our 2nd baby is still moving about in my womb. And there are times when explaining about our situation seems mechanical, just so we don't put too much emotions into an already painful plight. Fear and sadness still envelop me in my quiet moments but I am helpless to do anything. I wish I didn't have to carry our baby to full term, only to watch him slip away so soon, and for me to risk a caesarian operation again. I wish God would call our baby quietly and peacefully back into His kingdom with the slightest pain or suffering on our part. Of course, the most fervent prayer would be to have our baby survive and live a normal, healthy life. Nothing short of a miracle, but I don't want to hope and risk falling deeper into sadness. We've accepted our fate, and we've offered our baby to God. I just wish this in-between, middle state would be decided soon so life can go on and our baby will not have to suffer. And my heart wouldn't be soo torn for feeling sorry for our 2nd baby because he doesn't stand a chance on earth. I can't say sorry enough... although I know it isn't our fault. Tragedies strike sometimes. It just had to strike on us.

Coping...

Boydee and I have felt at peace ever since we made the firm decision to keep our baby and continue with the pregnancy. And so far, we've been doing a great job in looking at the brighter side and cheering ourselves up despite our situation.

But there are lulls when thoughts turn to our baby and the tears silently flow. It is hard to look at this bump in my body with happy thoughts because we both know how it will turn out. I feel so sorry that I can't carry him nor hold him in my arms but I console myself and him that when the time comes, Mama Mary and the saints will cradle him in theirs. I'm sorry that he can't see our world, but that where he's going will be a much more beautiful and better place. I'm sorry we can not have the chance to watch him grow, or lavish him with attention or toys because he'll be taken away so soon.

Oh baby!!! I am so sorry for this but please know that you are loved. In fact, you must be very special, God wants you back with Him right away. He's only letting us borrow you for so short a time and here inside me.

I can feel our baby moving and kicking in my womb and I feel a certain kind of melancholy. This pregnancy can not be completely happy because of its outcome. It is a weird feeling to carry a living being, perhaps reaching even up to full term, and know that he will eventually be taken away after a few minutes. It's like you're supposed to move forward but you don't actually get anywhere. It's weird to be handling this pregnancy like any other normal one because the real motivation or purpose of doing so has disappeared.

Now, I take care of myself just so I'll have no or lesser complications when the time comes for me to deliver. I can not even use the term "give birth" because the life of my baby is so short lived. So, the excitement, the joy of progressing in this pregnancy is 'lost', and the essence has lessened.

I haven't really reached the point of self-pity, nor do I question God for giving us this painful cross to bear. I know despite all else, we are still so blessed. There are just times when I just wish things turned out differently, that things could've been better and we would have been gifted with a normal pregnancy, and a normal, healthy child.

But it isn't the case, and God has other plans for us. We just have to keep the faith, and trust in Him. I pray He take care of me and our baby. I ask the Lord to take him away peacefully and painlessly when He calls him back to heaven.

Enlightenment

The next day, we were scheduled to visit Eve Surgical Center to check the facilities and talk with the doctors regarding procedure and experiences of Moms who have had to go through this. From there, we still had a few more days to decide but at least we knew our options. We set up an appointment and were on our way after a quick lunch.

Despite the GPS, and driving through the avenue two times, we couldn't find the place. We finally called and Sam, the girl I made the appointment with, got out of the gate to lead us the way. The clinic didn't even have a sign outside, just the number on the wall which was completely covered in ivy. Just the thought of going inside an 'abortion' clinic felt unsettling but we were there to 'explore' and for 'good and justifiable' reason.

Sam showed us in. She was Filipina, by the way, and I felt a little more comforted at having someone from back home there. She gave us some forms to fill up. The first two pages asked for my basic and medical information. The next few pages were 'agreements' detailing the procedure, the use of anaesthesia, and some sort of a waiver although it stated that complications arising from the procedure was very, very minimal. After scanning through the pages, I went back to Sam and told her I wasn't going to sign these yet because we were yet undecided. She said I had to sign it anyway to signify that I had read it. So, I went back to my seat to read it thoroughly since I had to put my signature on it.

While I was reading, Boydee had settled into a chair and started reading a magazine that was lying around. He found an article on Mother Teresa's letters to her confessors expressing her doubt on the existence of God because she's seen so much suffering in her life. One of those lines clearly said that she found abortion and youth addiction as condemnable. Boydee had me read those lines and said, "Love, I'm leaning more towards keeping the baby." I was half paying attention since I was reading.

As I was reading through those sheets, I came across a line that said that it was customary for them to euthanize the baby before they bring him out. I read that line to Boydee, too. As I tried to read more, I couldn't. My eyes were starting to fill with tears and I told Boydee I couldn't do it. He understood me completely and said, "Let's go! Let's get out of here."

We returned the forms, unsigned except for the registration, and told them we'd pass up. We didn't talk with the doctors anymore. There was no use for it.

Outside, I couldn't help but burst into tears. How could I have even considered 'harming' and even 'killing' our innocent baby? Sure, we know his fate, but how could we have been so selfish as to end it for him just because I might be at risk, just because he doesn't stand a chance? If he wasn't meant to live, it wasn't our decision to make.

After all the crying was done, we finally felt at peace. We were both convinced this was the right decision to make... that we were meant to continue with this pregnancy despite the expected and known outcome. It wasn't our decision to end our baby's life; it's God's alone. Who were we to intervene? God lent this baby to us and even if we can never hold him or watch him grow, I can feel him inside me. And he is alive. For now, my womb is the safest place for him and until the time God decides to call him back, this is where he'll stay... with me, with us, even for a temporary while.

Boydee and I are both convinced we had to go through this whole ordeal, including the thinking process of even considering abortion and visiting the clinic, so that we may come up with a decision that's truly ours, and something that we can be proud of and live with our whole lives. We had to go through it before He would show us the light, before the Holy Spirit would enlighten us. And He did. How great is it that He even showed us both the way at almost the same time through different mediums.

Whatever risks may come my way for choosing to keep this baby will far outweigh whatever pain we would've inflicted on our baby, and the damage to our souls. We trust that God won't allow me and my baby to suffer too much nor too long. We trust He will not abandon us. We are resigned to the fate of our baby, and we are relieved, glad and at peace with our decision.

Family and friends say, with good intentions, that perhaps God will perform a great miracle and our baby might live and be normal. While I believe in God's power and in His miracles, Boydee and I have psyched and readied ourselves with the eventuality of our baby's passing. But we also both realize that no amount of psyching will prepare us for that moment, nor soften the blow.

Not all of life is all joy, or happy endings. But that doesn't mean God isn't working His miracles. We have to accept what God gives us. There's always a reason for everything and God isn't the type who would leave us alone to fend for ourselves. Beyond all this grief and sad news, there will always be something better to come; something good that will come out of this. There's always a rainbow after every rain.

Longest Night

That night, Boydee and I had to face the looming question ahead. We were resigned to our baby's fate, having read about oligohydramnios and having talked to the doctors in Manila and here. We came here in the hope that the 'advancement' of the US might be able to offer us a solution but we knew in our hearts, our baby's future was bleak and we've surrendered that to the Lord.

We also knew we would have to face the option of 'therapeutic abortion' although I prayed we wouldn't have to face it. But the question was right in front of us, and time was ticking. We had 6 days to determine if we'd play a role in our child's fate.

It was clear to Boydee now that if the choice were between our baby and my safety, hands down, he'd choose me. That was my Mom's stand also. Given the risks, we were inclined to take the 'fastest' and 'safest' way out. I mean, why prolong the agony. I wasn't quite convinced of it although I could find more reasons to justify doing it. In my heart of hearts though, I wasn't sure I would be able to commit that sin.

In our Catholic faith, things are put in black and white. Not much grey. I realized that night that there are greys and that you can't judge a person for doing a 'black' action without knowing the real reason for it. If we went through this abortion, would it really be a grave sin, knowing our baby was going to pass anyway? Is keeping the baby who eventually won't live, worth the risks on my life? Why wait for our baby to suffer?

Boydee and I researched on the internet for articles on Catholic faith and abortion. While most articles clearly states abortion as sin, I found an article that was written by a mother who had just gone through almost the same thing. We also consulted with our mothers. While both of them were not for abortion, they were also after my safety and were supportive of what we would eventually decide on.

Boydee and I cried our way to sleep. What a difficult choice to make!!! What did God want us to do? If He hadn't meant for us to take this option, why make it so easy for us - the trip of coming, the gestational age of our pregnancy, the people who were so nice and helpful? And if this was a test, how did He want us to pass it? Believe me, all logic were leading towards going through the abortion but something was holding us back.

Our Future Angel

The past two days since Boydee and I arrived were all visits to doctors, hospitals and check ups.

The day after we arrived (Nov 6), we went to my OB-GYNE, Dr. Artenos, where Roc had made an appointment for us. When he looked at my ultrasound, he was dumbfounded. He said "Uh-oh! This is very, very bad! You have no fluid at all! I don't know how you managed to fly all the way here." He said our best bet was to go to USC County because if he admitted us in Glendale Adventist, it would cost us hundred and hundreds of dollars and he still wouldn't be sure of our baby's fate. There, they would be able to give us the best care for me and the baby because they have all the experts there.

So, Boydee and I went to LAC+USC Women's and Children's Medical Hospital right after our visit, hopeful they might be able to give us definite answers as to what was really wrong, and how best to save the baby. When we went there, I was subjected to further ultrasound scans. I had three ultrasounds that day, but still same findings but no definite answers nor solutions. We were asked to go back the next day where the Genetics Director in the OB Department would do the tests and give her diagnosis.

The next day saw us staying in the hospital the whole day, mostly waiting for our turn with the Doctors. But at least, we got our answers. Dr. Giuliana Songster, head of Genetics Clinic, conclusively said that there is a problem with the baby's kidneys. It was not passing urine and by this time, I had absolutely no water in my uterus. The baby is surviving only because of me. On his own, he can not survive especially since at this stage, he would need the fluid for the crucial development of the lungs. To be without water for a known two weeks was already damaging to his development. Moreover, to be without water this early, there wasn't much intervention they could do because our baby was just developing. We asked about amnio infusion - putting water in me to at least give our baby time to develop, or steroid injection - to hasten development of the lungs, but the doctors all said that our baby was just too young and too small.

The options offered to us were: to continue with the pregnancy, meaning wait it out, or terminate the pregnancy. We asked if the baby had a chance at all of surviving. She said hardly any at all. We asked if she's ever handled cases like this. She said, yes and not one survived. Continuing with the pregnancy posed risks for me - diabetes, hypertension, a possible caesarian operation again, and all for a known outcome that's not happy. Given those facts, we were leaning towards the second option. They said it was safe and the most logical thing to do. They said that if there was the slightest chance our baby would survive, they wouldn't even suggest this, but that realistically and medically speaking, a few hours of life would be the longest that our baby could spend, IF ever he would still be alive by full term.

If we opted for the latter, we only had a window of 6 days to decide since the hospital only performs that procedure for mothers who are a maximum of 23 1/2 weeks pregnant. They asked if we wanted to talk more extensively about the process. We said yes.

We were endorsed to Dr. Ronna Jurrow, who explained the procedures to us and the options as to where we may have the 'termination' procedure done. She suggested Eve's Surgical Center, or their own hospital and assured us that she'll personally make sure we will be well taken care of.

The Doctors at USC County were very humane despite the sad news. We truly admire and commend them for really taking time to explain and show that they care. Dr. Songster was especially sympathetic and consoling. So were Dr. Ishimaru and Dr. Phatak. They've put concern and 'humane-ness' in their profession. There should be more doctors like them.

On our way home, we were faced with a BIG decision to make. But one thing was definite. Our baby won't be staying long with us. We don't know if he/she would've been a son or a daughter; or what life he would have made for himself because he wouldn't be alive long enough to live it. What we do know for sure is he/she will be a future angel. As to when, we would have to think about it that night and in the next few days.

Off We Go

Tomorrow, off we go to the US to find more answers, to know the fate of our 2nd baby, to venture into an uncertainty. Here, we leave behind our son, Bric, in the care of family and his yaya Mila. Boydee and I take with us our faith, our families' love and prayers and each others' love and courage. We pray for His guidance and His unwavering and constant love and trust whatever is in store for us is with His blessing and is His divine will.

Third Anniversary

Today, Boydee and I 'celebrated' our 3rd wedding anniversary. Yup, it's been three years but the love remains just as strong, even stronger as when we made our vows before God and our loved ones.

We celebrated a few days early by spending an overnight at Edsa Shang, thanks to Mommy Nonie and Dhia Louie. Then, today, we heard mass to thank God for putting us together and choosing us for each other.

Today, though, was coupled with such anguishing news that our celebration was dampened. We had a repeat ultrasound for baby number 2 this morning. It revealed that there was no improvement from the last ultrasound, meaning, my water therapy didn't work. The kidneys and bladder weren't visually clear based on the scan because again, there was too little fluid. This suggested that the cause of the oligohydramnios is most likely a congenital defect on the part of the baby. With that, and the fact that I could see him so clearly in the scan moving around and with a normal heartbeat literally tore my heart to pieces. And I am helpless. We are helpless.

In the same way that it was not anybody's fault that I lost most of my amniotic fluid, there is also not much we can do to have prevented it from happening, and not much we can do to 'save' the baby, for now. We were advised to go to the US because there, the baby might have a fighting chance of survival, if his organs are not in that bad of a shape. First step will be a diagnosis to conclusively determine the cause of the oligohydramnios. From then, we will decide what steps to take. I continuously pray that God will lead us to make the right choices.

Just as it is only God who can create life, only He alone can take a life, and more importantly, in this situation, save a life. No matter how much education, riches, sphere of influence we acquire in our world, we are still helpless and powerless when it comes to life and death. That power alone lies in God.

So, really, no matter who we are, what we've achieved, we can never be independent enough to live without Him. We aren't the masters of our destinies; God is. We can only bow to His will. We can only trust that He wants what is best for us. We will just have to learn to "enjoy" the ride, have faith, and be ready to deal with whatever blows are sent our way.

Today, Boydee and I dealt with one big blow - that of facing the uncertainty of our 2nd baby's fate. But as we memorialize our 3rd anniversary of love, I am grateful that God gave Boydee as my partner in facing this tough journey ahead. So, yes, we may be feeling really down now, but God always reminds me, through today, that there will always be countless more blessings He has given me. Perhaps, He will grant us a great miracle. Or perhaps not. Regardless, we submit to His will, and we thank Him for our faith. Without it, I would definitely lose my sanity.

For now, I place everything in His Hands. All in Your hands, Lord.

A Looong Day...

Yesterday was Doctors day for me and our 2nd baby in the morning and for Bric in the afternoon. Much as I am very, very grateful to Doctors; visiting them is a bit stressful. Not only is the waiting time long, you also know that you're going there because something is wrong. I am just so glad that I have a very supportive, loving and strong husband with me.

The morning saw us going to Dr. Ma. Estrella Yu-Flores, a perinatologist in Capitol Medical Center with my ob-gyne, Dr. Mitch, who went out of her way to accompany us. Dr. Flores was very motherly and seemed to know what she was talking about it. Although we pretty much knew what was happening already through research in the internet, it still helped that an expert was talking to us up front. But what she gave us that was most important was hope. She said an amniotic level of 2cm based on SPV (single pocket value?) is borderline low but still acceptable for her, meaning there is still a chance the baby will survive. She advised me to drink at least 3-4 liters of water a day and lots of rest. We will do a repeat ultrasound on Tuesday to find out if my water increases enough for us to do a congenital anomaly scan. From there, we can determine whether our baby's kidneys are functioning or whether there is an obstruction in the ureter. If it is discovered that it is a congenital defect that's causing the oligohydramnios (low amniotic fluid), then we wait til our baby surrenders. If not, we do careful monitoring until I reach my 7th month. Then see, if I can reach 9 months so that we can bring baby out.

I have surrendered our 2nd baby to God to do as He pleases. We will do all means possible to save him/her but if it is not meant to be, or if he will just suffer and not live a normal life, then we pray that God take him peacefully and without suffering. I know God has His reasons. Lord, our baby is all yours. Just guide us as to what decisions to take.

In the afternoon was Bric's doctor time. He was having diarrhea last Thursday, vomitting on Friday, rashes on Friday night and had no appetite. His weight dropped from 11.5kg to 10kg in a span of 3 days. It was very alarming. Tita Doc Jamie Agbayani asked for a stool exam to find out what's causing the diarrhea. If it was viral, it should go away in 3 days and he should be well in 5 days. If it was bacterial, then a more complicated treatment would be required than just hydrite and a lugaw-apples-banana latundan diet.

At 5:15pm, we tried to feed him supper and hydrite. He covered his mouth with his hand and wouldn't open his mouth. If we forced the lugaw in, he would spit it out. If I were more transparent, I would have been so hysterical. Why wasn't my baby eating???

Manang Linda suggested to have him "patawas" (not sure what the english translation of this word is - it's kinda related to quackery). We called Randy Kalbo whose neighbor was a 'mangtatawas'. He said Bric had a sprain on his hip and needed to be massaged. We asked him to come. Right after the call, Bric's appetite came back, and after his 'hilot', he went about sleeping so soundly. This morning, he's feeling better and his appetite's improving. I believe he's on the road to recovery. We also had his stool exam last night and it suggested a viral infection which means it should go away after 3 days which was yesterday. Is it science or quackery that healed him? Regardless, I am grateful that our baby is getting better.

All throughout these two ordeals, my heart has sunk many times and sometimes, I do not know what to think, what to pray for. I only lift everything to God and trust He will never leave us alone. I am also very thankful that I have so much love surrounding us - Boydee and I - through our families. We are consoled that our prayers are multiplied many times because our families and friends are praying for us. They cushion whatever blows come our way.