Sunday, November 11, 2007


Boydee and I have felt at peace ever since we made the firm decision to keep our baby and continue with the pregnancy. And so far, we've been doing a great job in looking at the brighter side and cheering ourselves up despite our situation.

But there are lulls when thoughts turn to our baby and the tears silently flow. It is hard to look at this bump in my body with happy thoughts because we both know how it will turn out. I feel so sorry that I can't carry him nor hold him in my arms but I console myself and him that when the time comes, Mama Mary and the saints will cradle him in theirs. I'm sorry that he can't see our world, but that where he's going will be a much more beautiful and better place. I'm sorry we can not have the chance to watch him grow, or lavish him with attention or toys because he'll be taken away so soon.

Oh baby!!! I am so sorry for this but please know that you are loved. In fact, you must be very special, God wants you back with Him right away. He's only letting us borrow you for so short a time and here inside me.

I can feel our baby moving and kicking in my womb and I feel a certain kind of melancholy. This pregnancy can not be completely happy because of its outcome. It is a weird feeling to carry a living being, perhaps reaching even up to full term, and know that he will eventually be taken away after a few minutes. It's like you're supposed to move forward but you don't actually get anywhere. It's weird to be handling this pregnancy like any other normal one because the real motivation or purpose of doing so has disappeared.

Now, I take care of myself just so I'll have no or lesser complications when the time comes for me to deliver. I can not even use the term "give birth" because the life of my baby is so short lived. So, the excitement, the joy of progressing in this pregnancy is 'lost', and the essence has lessened.

I haven't really reached the point of self-pity, nor do I question God for giving us this painful cross to bear. I know despite all else, we are still so blessed. There are just times when I just wish things turned out differently, that things could've been better and we would have been gifted with a normal pregnancy, and a normal, healthy child.

But it isn't the case, and God has other plans for us. We just have to keep the faith, and trust in Him. I pray He take care of me and our baby. I ask the Lord to take him away peacefully and painlessly when He calls him back to heaven.


PepGroup said...

hey bang/boyds,

I've been reading your situation these past few weeks and know the feelings of facing challenges and keeping the faith. God will always work in mysterious ways so let's do whatever is medically and materially possible and He will provide the rest.

Since you're there na in LAX, if you have the chance, go visit Fr Fernando Suarez in Ottawa for personal healing -

God Bless,

Nongnong said...

Hello Bang and Boydee!
Greetings from Bali, Indonesia. Am attending a UN conference on Climate Change.While browsing, I chanced upon your blog in my "favorites".First time I read all about the "future angel" in toto. I only read "Enlightenment" before. Anyway, I hope both of you and the FG are doing well. Nice of you to share your thoughts and experience. Am sure it will be helpful to those in similar situations. I admire you and Boydee's courage, discernment, fear of God, hope, resolve and openness to God's Holy Will.God is always with you! God bless!

Fr. Benny