Friday, November 09, 2007

Enlightenment

The next day, we were scheduled to visit Eve Surgical Center to check the facilities and talk with the doctors regarding procedure and experiences of Moms who have had to go through this. From there, we still had a few more days to decide but at least we knew our options. We set up an appointment and were on our way after a quick lunch.

Despite the GPS, and driving through the avenue two times, we couldn't find the place. We finally called and Sam, the girl I made the appointment with, got out of the gate to lead us the way. The clinic didn't even have a sign outside, just the number on the wall which was completely covered in ivy. Just the thought of going inside an 'abortion' clinic felt unsettling but we were there to 'explore' and for 'good and justifiable' reason.

Sam showed us in. She was Filipina, by the way, and I felt a little more comforted at having someone from back home there. She gave us some forms to fill up. The first two pages asked for my basic and medical information. The next few pages were 'agreements' detailing the procedure, the use of anaesthesia, and some sort of a waiver although it stated that complications arising from the procedure was very, very minimal. After scanning through the pages, I went back to Sam and told her I wasn't going to sign these yet because we were yet undecided. She said I had to sign it anyway to signify that I had read it. So, I went back to my seat to read it thoroughly since I had to put my signature on it.

While I was reading, Boydee had settled into a chair and started reading a magazine that was lying around. He found an article on Mother Teresa's letters to her confessors expressing her doubt on the existence of God because she's seen so much suffering in her life. One of those lines clearly said that she found abortion and youth addiction as condemnable. Boydee had me read those lines and said, "Love, I'm leaning more towards keeping the baby." I was half paying attention since I was reading.

As I was reading through those sheets, I came across a line that said that it was customary for them to euthanize the baby before they bring him out. I read that line to Boydee, too. As I tried to read more, I couldn't. My eyes were starting to fill with tears and I told Boydee I couldn't do it. He understood me completely and said, "Let's go! Let's get out of here."

We returned the forms, unsigned except for the registration, and told them we'd pass up. We didn't talk with the doctors anymore. There was no use for it.

Outside, I couldn't help but burst into tears. How could I have even considered 'harming' and even 'killing' our innocent baby? Sure, we know his fate, but how could we have been so selfish as to end it for him just because I might be at risk, just because he doesn't stand a chance? If he wasn't meant to live, it wasn't our decision to make.

After all the crying was done, we finally felt at peace. We were both convinced this was the right decision to make... that we were meant to continue with this pregnancy despite the expected and known outcome. It wasn't our decision to end our baby's life; it's God's alone. Who were we to intervene? God lent this baby to us and even if we can never hold him or watch him grow, I can feel him inside me. And he is alive. For now, my womb is the safest place for him and until the time God decides to call him back, this is where he'll stay... with me, with us, even for a temporary while.

Boydee and I are both convinced we had to go through this whole ordeal, including the thinking process of even considering abortion and visiting the clinic, so that we may come up with a decision that's truly ours, and something that we can be proud of and live with our whole lives. We had to go through it before He would show us the light, before the Holy Spirit would enlighten us. And He did. How great is it that He even showed us both the way at almost the same time through different mediums.

Whatever risks may come my way for choosing to keep this baby will far outweigh whatever pain we would've inflicted on our baby, and the damage to our souls. We trust that God won't allow me and my baby to suffer too much nor too long. We trust He will not abandon us. We are resigned to the fate of our baby, and we are relieved, glad and at peace with our decision.

Family and friends say, with good intentions, that perhaps God will perform a great miracle and our baby might live and be normal. While I believe in God's power and in His miracles, Boydee and I have psyched and readied ourselves with the eventuality of our baby's passing. But we also both realize that no amount of psyching will prepare us for that moment, nor soften the blow.

Not all of life is all joy, or happy endings. But that doesn't mean God isn't working His miracles. We have to accept what God gives us. There's always a reason for everything and God isn't the type who would leave us alone to fend for ourselves. Beyond all this grief and sad news, there will always be something better to come; something good that will come out of this. There's always a rainbow after every rain.

2 comments:

Zharmagne said...

Bang.... sigh... I don't know what to say except that we are constantly praying for your situation and for God to guide in making the right decision. Please know that we are here to support you in whatever decision you make. We love you!!

BTW, we have a video of Bric na super funny! but you might not find it funny.

See you soon!

events atbp. said...

bang, your entries are reading like a novel ... thanks for sharing such intimate thoughts and the difficult path you and boydee are going through ... prayers of everyone in pep are with you 3.

your faith is so enviable. i don't know if the engineer in me would have taken the same path, that kind of faith is truly remarkable. i applaud you both for it and hoping God shows you the real reason and purpose for these all.

best wishes

from your pep family