Wednesday, February 06, 2008


Before leaving the office last night, I dropped by the desk of one of our staff to follow up on her report. This report has been due since 3 weeks ago. When I finally saw the report, I already saw an error on the first line. I was quite disappointed and frustrated since this was long overdue and I expected it to be accurate since it had taken that long for her to make, the least it could be was correct.

Out of frustration, I couldn't help but unleash my 'temper' 'moderately' towards her. My hubby happened to pass by when he saw my 'controlled outbursts', and he intercepted.

While waiting for the elevator, he told me not to be too hard on that particular person. She might just break down. I kinda felt bad after that, not so much because it felt like he was siding with her but more because of my guilt.

When we got home, I was still getting grumpy and irritable. I was restless. It felt like there was so much negative energy within me that had to find an outlet. Any little thing irked me. So, instead of boxing a wall or banging my head, I channeled all this pent up energy to treadmilling, hoping I'd feel lighter after that. I did but oh so slightly. Then I read Goldie Hawn's autobiography, A Lotus Grows in the Mud, which is a feel good book but I didn't totally feel good after.

When none of my escape tactics worked, I decided to go to sleep. Obviously, I couldn't right away, so I prayed. It was only after a quieting down within me that I got the courage to look inside me and really ask what was going wrong that night after that incident.

I blamed everyone and everything else at my irritability. Maybe I was sensitive because I'll be having my period soon; perhaps I was tired from a long day at work. None of those were acceptable enough. The underlying reason for my feeling irritable was my guilt!

I felt bad because I let my frustration get the better of me; I felt bad because I wasn't patient enough; I felt bad because I was perhaps rude to someone who despite her shortcomings still remained 'nice' and ever so patient in handling our outbursts. I had to deal with my own monsters. How have I become so mean and arrogant?

After admitting the real reason for my touchiness, I felt a little better. I told myself tomorrow, I'll treat that particular staff better and with more patience. I resolved to be more humble, stretch my patience and hold my temper in. I will try not to be too sungit.

As we grow older, although I believe we learn more about life, it shouldn't give us reason to be more arrogant and behave like a know-it-all. As we mature, we should instead be more compassionate towards others and be a better person. It isn't our egos that should grow bigger, but our hearts.

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