Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Lost in the Heat of the Moment

Just had an emotionally draining conversation with my brother. What he expected to be an understanding sister on the other end of the line turned out to be the outspoken, tactless monster. That was me! That’s how I turned out.

Discussing about his upcoming plan became an exchange of heated, emotional words, bordering even on drama. Out of frustration at not being able to express myself, I let out an uncalled for statement. Totally wrong statement, and now that I look back, something I totally regret. I didn’t mean it to come out that way. What I meant to say was for him to please, please think things over and not arrive at a decision simply because that’s what your heart tells you to do. But what came out were those hurtful words. Of course, he didn’t let that slip. Of course, if I were him, I also wouldn’t, and would, of course, take offense.

I realize that in many conversations we have with other people, especially people most dear to us, when discussing topics that are ‘delicate’ and ‘sensitive’ and, in this case, ‘high risk’, an exchange of words may be unavoidable. Because emotions are high, we may let out words that are hurtful, but aren’t totally meant; we may say things but state it the wrong, hurtful way. What gets lost in the heat of the moment are actually what is in our hearts.

And in our heart of hearts, what we really want to say is, we are really just concerned for your welfare and your family’s, we love you; because, really, if we didn’t love you, we wouldn’t be that emotional and frantic and paranoid.

But then again, if we had approached it more calmly and rationally and less emotionally, then those words which I want so much to take back wouldn’t have been said at all. And if there were total trust, the whole conversation would’ve been just a confirmation, not a confrontation.

For now, I’ve said my sorrys, although I know that what I said isn’t easily forgivable and forgettable. I shall sit in misery as I deal with my guilt and remorse. But then I should move on, forgive myself and hope my dear brother will forgive me. After all, when all is said and done, blood IS thicker than water.

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