Sunday, April 04, 2010

Down Days

I always thought being pregnant puts you inside a happy bubble, but this pregnancy is different. There are moments when I feel there's a storm raging inside my body, all those hormones just going around and around, whirling in my whole system, waiting for the time to blow, to burst.

There are times when I prefer to frown and look at the down side instead of looking at the bright side; times when I prefer to be alone and away from everything, everyone and yet there are times when I just wish all my loved ones were here with me.

Do I blame this state of 'depression' to my hormones? Is it really that? Or is it all a matter of attitude? I just pray and wish that my mood swings and my dark thoughts don't affect our Brody.

Life in the US is pretty lonely and there are times when I feel helpless. I am soo homesick. Nights I find myself counting the days til Brody comes out so that in time, we can all go back home to the Philippines. Even Mila feels lonely. For people in the Philippines, they have this American dream... but not all of the "American Dream" is even bright and sunny. I would never trade living in the Philippines for living here in the States. I just wasn't wired this way. I am a Filipino and I am at home in the Philippines... Here, now in Vegas, I feel like a fish out of water, I feel I don't belong. I feel so disoriented.

In time, I know I'll get used to this all over again. I just wish we weren't too far away from home and my stay wouldn't seem as long as it feels...

Then again, when my hormones have settled, I may feel better yet again and all these 'lonely' and 'sad' thoughts will be replaced by happy thoughts and wide smiles.

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