Mom Shalene's Predicament

Once over a meal here in La Vista, Mom was getting worried about Dad's condition. It was one of Dad's lazier and weaker moments. Scared he might have problems with his swallowing again which might lead to pneumonia again, she encouraged him to exercise his throat muscle.

One of these exercises is to vocalize, or shout loud enough to feel a pull on your throat. Dad wouldn't do it. Mom turned her attention to Rod, Zhar and me since we were at the dinner table at that time. Nurses Mike and Eldon hovered over Dad and sweet talked him to at least try to vocalize. Finally, Dad gave in and gave out a loud 'Aahhh'.

Mom stopped talking to us and turned to him and said, "Sweetheart! Yan! Sige, one more time." Dad, for his part, turned towards her and immediately creased his brows with an irritated look directed right at her.

It's a great thing that Mom is already an expert at handling Dad and his mood swings. She calmly said to Dad that she won't make him kulit na lang.

Although it was a moment made light by Mom's humor and good nature, it could very well have been a cause for hurt and self pity for Mom. But she's much better than that. I know, though, that it can be very frustrating at times. I know that inside, she may also have her moments of getting hurt. So I salute her for her strength, courage and positive outlook. I also want to console her with this:

When I find Dad by his lonesome (well, with Mike and Eldon), I try to make small talk, just to try to put a smile on his face. Being so lousy at small talk, I really don't know what to talk about. I remember during the times when Dad was a little more agile and alert, we'd talk about family. So usually, now, I talk about the past, his past. And of course, being the romantic that I am, I always go back to Dad and Mom's love story, their early stories with their kids, their wedding. And that would always, always bring a smile to Dad's face. He would also start to talk a little more.

So, Mom, even if Dad creases his eyebrows at you a little more often these days, please know that when you're not looking, you're really the reason for making him smile.

Ang Mamatay Ng Dahil Sa 'Yo

Watched Rielle's play in Assumption (where she was simply GREAT as the Little Prince) this afternoon and as school programs go, the start of the show is always marked by the singing of our national anthem.

Our red-blue and white flag peeked out of the side door and the music of Lupang Hinirang began. As I stood there with my right hand over my heart singing the song, this feeling of sadness swept over me.

I felt sorry for the state our country is in. I feel disgusted at our leaders occupying the highest posts in our land. How can I be proud to sing of our country when we have the likes of GMA, FG, Ben Abalos and Mike Defensor as our so-called caretakers? When the so-called truth is twisted to cover lies and robbery? When the likes of Jun Lozada who show love for his adopted homeland are condemned for exposing corruption? How can I pledge loyalty to a country whose AFP and PNP leaders serve and protect the highest bidder and not the common people and whose loyalty is for sale? How can people who call themselves Filipinos, who proudly call on the name of God and their Catholic faith, lie in front of everyone just to save the skin of the principal that they serve? How many souls will be sold to the devil just to dispute the truth and protect the erring powers that be?

As I was beginning to get teary eyed, I stopped myself. The flag and our song have withstood the tests of time. It stands, not just for the Philippines now or the leaders of today. It stands for our forefathers who fought against colonialism, tyranny, oppression and suppression of our freedom. Our flag and song stands for our country, and its people in general, not just of a chosen few. GMA is but a tiny speck of our country being the current leader. But she isn't the Philippines. She doesn't stand for the flag nor our song.

Gloria and her minions are the dominant ones now but they won't be there forever. Just like our heroes, they will be a thing of the past. But unlike our heroes whose lives will always be an inspiration to the future generations, our leaders of today will be an example of how power corrupts and how power can be abused. That perhaps is how Gloria will want to be remembered.

Our flag will stand and for as long as there is a thing called time, there will always be change and with that comes hope. I know things will only get better IF we just pray. I do not see myself standing in the streets of Makati asking GMA to resign. I will be the silent majority, but my prayers to God to save our country won't be silent. It is because of my love and pride of my Flag, my anthem, my being Filipino that pushes me to pray for our beloved Philippines and hope for better things to come. I will do my own part in making it happen.

I sang the final verses of the song a little more loudly. I sang for our country, its history, the land where I call home.

Relieving Trip to the Doctor

Our baby has been sick since Saturday night and just yesterday, his fever went up to 39.1C. Now that got me freaked out. I couldn't think well enough to make our agenda for our meeting with our staff. When I called Mila after a few hours, his fever had subsided but was still higher than normal.

After researching on the internet about dengue symptoms and soliciting comfort from my sisters, Ate Rona and Elizza, I finally decided to focus on getting some work done. I invited Lai to sit in with the Commissions Staff meeting to know and evaluate the workflow. I guess she got kinda bored, I'd see her turning her ballpen around her fingers... and a blank notebook in front of her. Hehehe... Nevertheless, I have to thank her for bearing with me. Hehehe... But I think we accomplished something. :)

When I got home, played with Bric for a while and then he was off to sleep.

The past 2 nights, I'd bring him on our bed in between Boydee and myself while he's fast asleep. Last night, I cradled him in my arms, both of us lying down.

Today was the visit to Tita Doc. Findings after CBC platelet count: it's not dengue (whew!). He's got a lot of phlegm inside that's probably causing the fever. He is now on antibiotics.

Met Ate at the doctor since Rainey had stiff neck. Poor girl! After the doctor, we dropped Bric home and proceeded to buy medicine at Mercury and grocery shopping at Rustan's.

Had a massage by Mang Romy and feeling kinda rejuvenated and sleepy at the same time. So, while waiting for sleep to conquer me, I'm downloading songs of my childhood from limewire and updating (sort of) my blog. :)

Powerpuff Girls

This day started and semi ended with the Sisterhood doing official work. Yup... you read it. The three of us girls went from the site to the MVC office all in the name of work. Of course, we never miss out on the lunch break which today was CPK, the occasional office of Ate Rona and Lai.

We all woke up at varying times within the hour of 7 to 8am. Then, I picked Ate then Lai then off we went to the Site Office. Meeting, meeting, meeting for Treasury flow. There were times our brains weren't absorbing anything anymore but fortunately, we accomplished what we set out to do. Hopefully we ironed out the kinks especially where the site is concerned.

Then it was time for lunch to recharge our energies and brain cells. We had Waldorf Salad, 5 cheese pizza, Creamy Garlic shrimp spaghetti (this was yummeeee!!!) and Portobello Mushroom Ravioli. I think we overcharged our batteries... we were all kinda sleepy after. Hehehe...

At 2pm, we were in our office. This time around, our queen mother joined us :) Again, meeting, meeting, meeting. Miraculously, we were done by 5:30pm. All of us went home together again with Manuel.

So ends another episode of the Powerpuff girls. Hehehehe... It's three times the fun when we're three-gether. So even if we're doing heavy thinking work, we never fail to insert fun, laughter and ka-kengkoyan. What's more, we still get things done. Right sisterhood?

More episodes to come... perhaps Stella and Zhar would be able to join us! Looking forward to it! :)

No Shame

Jun Lozada, star witness to the NBN-ZTE deal, has been on TV since he came back from Hong Kong and ever since he decided to tell the truth to the public, he has become an overnight star. He is the modern day David fighting the corrupt, power-hungry, money-driven Goliath that is the Arroyo government.

His credibility is being destroyed by the very people he used to work with and whose reputation he initially tried to protect. What lies they can concoct about him, I believe in his sincerity and the truth that he is saying.

Here is a man plucked out from obscurity but became high profile because he was caught in the crossfire of people who wanted to milk this country dry just to enrich their pockets. When is enough money and power enough? Now, FG, no stranger to controversy, has involved innocent, well meaning, sincere civil servants, country -loving individuals hoping they will be motivated and swayed by the weapons and temptations such as 'greed', 'power', 'influence', 'stature', 'money' and 'fame'. The 'tempted' get tempted and sell their soul; if they say no, their life and their name are destroyed.

When will the seemingly decent people like Ignacio Bunye, Romy Neri stop telling lies to cover up for this government? When will the other people who are supposedly in service start serving the people, the common good instead of serving just the President or the First Gentlemen? When will the wheels of justice turn for those who are in the echelons of selfish power?

For now, I sit and wait til 2010 and pray we will be given a better choice for a leader. I pray that our nation will still have hope through its leaders. I pray the future leaders will be strong enough to stop the bureaucracy and the corruption instead of joining the fray. I pray there will be more Jun Lozadas who will speak up and expose the evils of this government, not for political motives but simply because they want the truth out and want change. And lastly, I pray for Jun Lozada, for his protection and the safety of his family. His act, his sacrifice shouldn't be ridiculed or put under scrutiny. Rather, it should be lauded and hopefully it will inspire. May his tribe increase!

My Lenten Sacrifice

Lent came early this year with Ash Wednesday falling on February 6. Father Benny in his homily said Lent should be a time of prayer, sacrifice and giving.

I've decided to give up pork and beef. In addition to that, I will try to get on the treadmill at least 3 times a week. These 'sacrifices' are kinda selfish in motive because they'll also help me lose weight. But as St. Therese said, any little thing if done with love is already an offering to Jesus.

Temptations may abound but with God as motivation, I'll really really try not to give in.

As for charity, I'm looking for a Mother Teresa center here that helps the less fortunate children. Mother Teresa because it was she who enlightened Boydee when we were undecided on River's fate. Hope someone can give me leads as to where to find that center.

It's 40 more days to go but my sacrifice is nothing compared to what Jesus had to go through. Maybe I'll add more daily offerings as much as I can. All for Jesus. All for the conversion of sinners and the salvation of souls.

Another Milestone

Our Bric can walk!!! It's been 3 days now since Bric can walk unassisted all around the house. So now that he's discovered the joy of walking, he's like the Energizer Bunny. He just keeps going and going and going. His sleeping schedule during the day is disrupted because he just can't get enough of walking. He's so funny.

Starting on the 8th month, Bric has been learning so many new things. He is now like a sponge and he's developing his personality. He's got his Dad's happy disposition. It takes so little to make him smile. He got his Dad's friendliness. He savors and relishes being the center of attention - sometimes even looking for it. He solicits applause, and calls your attention if you're not paying him any. During our flights to Cebu and Manila, he never fails to befriend a stewardess or a fellow passenger (even flirting with them).

It's actually funny how tables have turned. When we'd fly before and we hear a kid screaming or crying, we get irritated. Now, it's our own baby making noises and being restless and though it's embarrassing sometimes, it's also amusing, and most times, we are helpless on shutting Bric up. He's got a mind and will of his own. So, we just beg for our fellow passengers' indulgence and hope we're not disturbing them too much.

Sometimes, when I'm with Bric, I am surprised at how much he already understands. He follows when we ask him to put his socks in his shoes. He says 'nam nam' when it's eating time. He says 'ba ba' (be bye) and waves his hand when he leaves us to go out. He knows how to 'love' by leaning and embracing us. He kisses us, waves at us and even statues or pictures. He jumps about when there's music (that's the way he dances). He claps his hands when he knows he's done something he thinks we expect him to do. He's a bundle of energy and amusement. He brings so much love and joy in our lives!

Grouchy!

Before leaving the office last night, I dropped by the desk of one of our staff to follow up on her report. This report has been due since 3 weeks ago. When I finally saw the report, I already saw an error on the first line. I was quite disappointed and frustrated since this was long overdue and I expected it to be accurate since it had taken that long for her to make, the least it could be was correct.

Out of frustration, I couldn't help but unleash my 'temper' 'moderately' towards her. My hubby happened to pass by when he saw my 'controlled outbursts', and he intercepted.

While waiting for the elevator, he told me not to be too hard on that particular person. She might just break down. I kinda felt bad after that, not so much because it felt like he was siding with her but more because of my guilt.

When we got home, I was still getting grumpy and irritable. I was restless. It felt like there was so much negative energy within me that had to find an outlet. Any little thing irked me. So, instead of boxing a wall or banging my head, I channeled all this pent up energy to treadmilling, hoping I'd feel lighter after that. I did but oh so slightly. Then I read Goldie Hawn's autobiography, A Lotus Grows in the Mud, which is a feel good book but I didn't totally feel good after.

When none of my escape tactics worked, I decided to go to sleep. Obviously, I couldn't right away, so I prayed. It was only after a quieting down within me that I got the courage to look inside me and really ask what was going wrong that night after that incident.

I blamed everyone and everything else at my irritability. Maybe I was sensitive because I'll be having my period soon; perhaps I was tired from a long day at work. None of those were acceptable enough. The underlying reason for my feeling irritable was my guilt!

I felt bad because I let my frustration get the better of me; I felt bad because I wasn't patient enough; I felt bad because I was perhaps rude to someone who despite her shortcomings still remained 'nice' and ever so patient in handling our outbursts. I had to deal with my own monsters. How have I become so mean and arrogant?

After admitting the real reason for my touchiness, I felt a little better. I told myself tomorrow, I'll treat that particular staff better and with more patience. I resolved to be more humble, stretch my patience and hold my temper in. I will try not to be too sungit.

As we grow older, although I believe we learn more about life, it shouldn't give us reason to be more arrogant and behave like a know-it-all. As we mature, we should instead be more compassionate towards others and be a better person. It isn't our egos that should grow bigger, but our hearts.

Cleaning Day

I just finished taking a shower and dressed myself in shorts and a plain white shirt. Today is cleaning day for me... more like organizing our room day.

It's been 3 years already since I moved in with Boydee in his room. And up to today, my closet space still remains at 2 1/2 closets. The rest of the 3 1/2 and a few more on top are his. 1/2 was Bric's but since Bric has a nursery already, that half reverted back to Boydee. So, thank God I'm not too kikay to have too many clothes.

Aside from closets, our whole room has always been in kind of a mess. Boydee and I aren't the most organized and oc-oc house people. Thank God we only have a room plus one nursery. Imagine if we had a whole house (but then again, there might be more space to store our stuff).

We've already placed boxes and boxes of clothes, collections, etc. in the attic but there's still a lot of things here to sort out. It seems I'm forever 'spring cleaning' but our room still gets messy.

So, the thing to be done is to ORGANIZE. Assign areas, drawers for particular categories. That way, when there's new stuff, we know where to put them instead of just on the massage bed at the foot of our bed, or on the floor where it stays for weeks, months, (gasp) years...

Keeping our room clean should also be a commitment and tidiness a lifestyle.

Hopefully today, I'll be successful in starting to organize. Hopefully starting today, I'll stay committed to keeping our room neat and clean. I know there will be lazy days, so then I'll just have to start again. Wish me luck!

Shopping Pressure... errrr.... Pleasure

After 4 days in Macau and 3 in HK, we come back to our beloved country where our son awaits us. Bric greets us at the airport. Our baby is growing up so fast. He's now walking more than 5 steps and he doesn't want to be held. Hehe...

Despite my drowsiness from having to wake up at 7am (having slept at around 1am) to catch our flight, I didn't sleep when we got to the house. I started unpacking and realized we didn't buy too many stuff... which is good because we didn't spend too much money.... but I'm thinking I should have bought another one of those 'pylone' reminder buttons for our bathroom mirror or the pylone passport holder. Too late for regrets since we're not in HK anymore.

I've often been teased as 'kuripot' (thrifty) by my hubby which almost had me convinced. But after giving it serious thought, I've made a conclusion about my spending habits. I'm "practical" more than I am "kuripot"; I decide which things to splurge on and which stuff I can do without. I am a 'moody' shopper; I have to be 'in the mood' to shop and it's not a switch that is 'on' all the time.

I spend on the following:
1. food!!! - This is so self-explanatory... When we travel, I like to try the different restaurants and the cuisine a place has to offer. There are just endless possibilities with food and my palate is just only too willing to explore what the gastronomic world has to offer.
2. Travel - I'd like to believe that traveling is an educational and humbling experience. In travel, we learn about different cultures, see how different we are from one another, on one hand, and so alike on the other. It is also an exercise in humility as we realize just how small we are, how we form part of an even bigger world outside our own familiar corners of our home cities.
3. Loved ones - Gifts, trips, scrapbooks - I don't hesitate giving those to loved ones specially to Boydee, Bric, our 2 Moms, Dad and our brothers, sisters and nieces and nephews. But when it's Christmas, now, that's another story. Hehe...
4. Books!!! - Ate Rona was saying she can spend hours and hours in a bookstore and I couldn't agree with her more. I was telling Boydz that if I had to work in the US, I'd be happy and content working in a bookstore like Borders or Barnes and Noble or Page One in HK. Oh, I'd probably be reprimanded for reading too much and not paying attention to the customers. :)
5. clothes (not really so much) - I do this as a one-time shopping spree or occasional splurges because I don't really go to malls often and most times, I'm too lazy to try something on especially if it's just one piece of clothing. If there's a particular style I like that suits me, I tend to buy all the colors. I guess I'm a lazy shopper when it comes to clothes. Moreso now that I am overweight and still plan on losing at least 20 lbs!!! I don't want to buy too many clothes since I might just successfully lose my unwanted bilbils and oil deposits... (crossing my fingers here)
4. shoes - My Mom used to say to me about buying my shoes: Because your feet are big, it's hard to look for your size so if there's a style you like, buy it. I'm more careful now because sometimes, I buy shoes I hardly get to wear. I used to buy fakes until my friend told me a top-seeded tennis player had her ankles damaged because she wore fake adidas rubber shoes. That scared me so from that time on, when it came to rubber shoes and walking shoes, no more fakes for me. Now that I type this, I'm beginning to doubt the story... I mean, why would an international top-seeded tennis player wear fakes???!!! But my friend's logic stuck. Don't mess with feet!
5. Other needs and some 'wants' - Needs are our family's essentials with some specifics/premium on some items... like soap has to be Dove because Boydee's allergic to some others; toilet paper preferred is the one from Rustan's because it's 3-ply so you actually use less because it's thicker, etc... Other "luxuries" are tech stuff (more Boydee's) and services like massage (this I absolutely LOVE!), hair highlights (once a year or even once every 1 year and a half), formal gowns (only if an occasion calls for it).

Shopping is an art and a skill. To be able to hunt for the lowest price for an item, or to be conscious and updated how much a particular thing costs is not easy and requires time. I humbly admit that this is a skill and talent I don't possess; which is just so fortunate that I don't have too many "needs" or "desires"; no tendency of keeping up with the Joneses. I am a stickler for 'saving for a rainy day.' We still have one son and plan to have 1-2 more so we have a lot to spend for in the future. So, we're saving up but that doesn't mean the quality of our lives is less. As cliche as it may sound, money and material things can't buy you happiness. But then again, having them sure helps. Hehe...

Macau, Days 2 & 3

Yesterday, we spent half the day in Zhu Hai, China. We crossed over the Macau-China boundary by shuttle bus, went through Immigration twice and shopped in Zhu Hai - Macau's answer to HK's Shen Zen.

Here, haggling is an art and a must. Haggling is done by who presses the lowest digit in the calculator. Hehe... Haggling brings out the fun and challenge in shopping but then, it does get tiring after a while. Anyway, favorite buys of that trip were our matching North Face jackets. I also got myself a NF backpack which doubles as a laptop bag. I can use this for those rugged outings. For Boydee, my favorite pick for him, was the Hugo Bass curdoroy jacket. The fit looked perfect on him! We bought PJs as pasalubong for our yayas and drivers; and for Bric, we bought PJs as well and 2 pairs of shoes. Fake Tiffany & Co. pendants were also where our shopping money went to, mostly for gifts. Then at 7pm, we all went back to Macau.

Today, we had lunch at an italian restaurant in Fisherman's Wharf; had several picture taking sessions. Then, Boydee and I went to Wynn's to have Mommy Nonie's Chanel watch fixed. The rest of them went back to Venetian. Boydee and I also dropped by the Penha Church which looked so inviting from the road. Nestled on top of a hill, it provides visitors with a view overlooking the city of Macau. The church itself was surprisingly small and simple despite the gothic edifice looking humongous from the outside. Perhaps a seminary was housed there? After a look-see, we went back to our hotel.

Back in the hotel, we decided to try our luck in the casino since we were in a casino hotel already. We played Black Jack and played with HK$1,000. After a few minutes, we were up by $1,500 so we decided to call it quits. As they say, 'Quit while you're ahead,' and so we did.

Now, we're lounging around our room waiting for dinner time. This has been a relaxing and fun vacation. Except that we're missing our Bric. But in a few more days, we'll be able to hug and kiss him again. For now, it's bonding time with Daddy, Mommy and Lola and the brotherhood and sisterhood, plus Agila and Mike. We're very fortunate to be able to afford this luxury to be able to travel together; luckier still that our family is a happy bunch and actually enjoy one another's company! It's like being in one big barkada, where it only takes so little to make each other laugh!

Hello Again Macau!

We're back in Macau, the whole gang of us Dizons "adults" plus future Dizon, Zhar, and Lola Nene. This time around, we're spending four days in Macau instead of just a day trip when we were last together in March 2007 for Mommy Shalene's birthday.

Today is Day 1 and it's been an easy and tiring day. I've disrupted my sleeping schedule because we had to wake up at 4am today to make it to our 8am flight. Upon arrival, we took the hydrofoil to Macau. It is great how the cities of HK and Macau are very forward looking especially in developing its tourism industry. From the HK Airport, we can now go direct to Macau via the Ferry without the inconvenience of having to drag our luggage all over. We simply hand the Ferry staff with our baggage claim tags and then they get it for us and bring it with the hydrofoil. When we get to Macau, we claim our luggage with the same baggage tags. We didn't even have to pass through Immigration in HK. Really, really convenient. Kudos to our tour leader for this trip, Rondic, for making the travel arrangements and leading the pack! :)

When we got to Macau, we headed straight to the Venetian Shuttle where we were taken to Venetian. This hotel is just soooo huuuuggeee!!!! So huge and populated, in fact, that going around the lobby towards Bambu, the Asian Buffet outlet where we had our late lunch, felt like being in a marketplace with ambience. The hotel was just so full of people!

I thoroughly enjoyed our late buffet lunch of roasted goose, pork herb soup, chinese noodles, black pepper beef, and sweet and sour fish. Not too good were the sio mai and ha kaw. Despite a few let downs, it was still a good and full lunch with the older Dizon couples (Ate, Japa, Rondic, Lai, Boydee and myself) sharing shallow jokes and laughing heartily because we were all just too full.

After several minutes' wait in Dad and Mom's colossal suite room, our rooms were ready and we all headed to our respective sleeping quarters. Our rooms are luxurious, spacious and ostentatious. What's best is the FREE wi-fi internet access! At least, we're not cut off from the rest of the world.

Boydee and I spent our idle time watching the championship round of the Australian Open which saw 2 great future tennis players, Serb Novak Djokovic and a very promising and charming French player, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga. While Novak won the trophy (his 1st grand slam and the 1st Serb to ever win a Singles Grand Slam Tourney), it was Tsonga who won the hearts of the Aussies. His game was very fresh, 'free' and fearless. A lot more is in store for this new 18th seed.

I got hungry after the match so after a call to Ate, we all went down for dinner at the food court. We strolled around the Grand Canals Shopping Center and ended our day at Dad and Mom's room to decide what to do the next day. Once decided, we all went to our rooms one by one or two by two, actually.

It is now 12:40am of January 28. It is time to call it a night. We just finished Day 1 of our Macau trip. Tomorrow is Shopping day at Zhu Hai. Gotta rest so we can have the energy to shop, shop, shop!

Flight of An Angel

It has been 5 days since I gave birth to our 2nd baby, 5 days since she lay on my chest, 5 days since we said our tearful hello's and then, it was time to say our goodbye's forever.

In the early morning of January 4, I had consistent hourly contractions from 4am til 7am. I decided I had better have myself checked just to be sure we, Boydee, myself, Bric and Yaya, were ok to fly back to Manila the day after. We've been in Cebu since December 30 to spend New Year with my side of the family. Mommy Nonie called Dr. Milagros Chan, a family friend and a veteran OB-Gyne, and she readily said she'd see me at 9am that day.

Mom, Boydee and I went to see her in her clinic. After a brief overview of my condition and looking at my records, she checked me and asked me to have myself admitted to our preferred hospital. I was apparently already in labor and was already 6-7 cm dilated. We rushed to Chong Hua Hospital, got myself admitted then I was sent straight away to the Labor Room. At about 11am, I was being wheeled to the Delivery Room getting ready for delivery. Even if River was breech, I was relieved that Dr. Chan decided to do a normal/vaginal delivery for me. I was also quite relieved that I would be delivering my baby in Cebu where everything is just easier since everybody knew everybody here. It was easier to request that Boydee be in the DR with me so we can baptize River when she came out.

At 1:26pm, River came into our world at 7 months in my tummy. She was tiny and didn't cry much. Dr. Chan allowed her to rest on my chest for a few minutes. Boydee was standing beside us, and in a second, we baptized her together. She was baptized River Uy Dizon. Forty four minutes later, she passed. She lived long enough for us to baptize her, long enough for us to see her and hold her, just long enough for me to say I am so sorry she didn't have a chance to live longer and normally, just long enough for us to say we love her and just long enough for her to feel the love of her parents.

River wasn't born with the perfect figure, nor the perfect face. Her condition didn't allow her to develop normally. But her spirit was most beautiful and her soul most pure.

Her condition may have brought us much sadness, confusion and was such a trial of our faith but it also brought us closer to one another and to our families, and most especially deepened our faith in God. I believe we made the right decision in choosing life over death when we lifted all to God and gave Him the decision as to when and where to take River away. He couldn’t have chosen the more perfect day and place.

River would have been surrounded and showered with so much love here on earth but God intended for her to be with Him in heaven. Her beauty was not of this earth and her mission was not to live here with us; but to watch over us from above in the company of God, as our little angel.

River was cremated last January 5 at the Cebu Rolling Hills with her Mamalyn and Mama Rona as witnesses.

They say a soul goes to heaven three days after he or she breathes her last breath. River would have already taken flight by now and hopefully, is in the protective care of her Mama Mary.

We are most blessed to have an angel-daughter, and Bric, an angel for a sister. Til we meet again, River. Bring our love with you to heaven and watch over us. I miss you so much!!!

My Two Rafaels

Tonight was date night for Boydee and I. We had a tremendously early dinner (5:30pm) at UCC in The Clubhouse, in White Plains. I had Sumiyaki Eel and Mushroom Spaghetti, Boydee had Garlic Shrimp Spaghetti and Shrimp in Tomato Cream Sauce. The latter was yummier than the former but what really caught us by surprise was the petite serving size! For my order which cost P419, the spaghetti hardly even reached a 100 grams! We could've eaten in Teriyaki Boy and paid half our bill and left with fuller stomachs. This branch of UCC was a disappointment. Nevertheless, because of its location, we may still end up coming back here. Hehe... Despite the let down, it didn't spoil our mood. I savor the chance to be just with Boydee and talk about lighter things in life - not work, not problems, just unimportant things. Then we took a stroll in next door Santi's and Rustan's Fresh Supermarket.

We came home with Bric at the dinner table already in his red pajamas and still in a 'newly awakened' mood. He was seated in his stroller beside Lolo Boy. Our baby motioned for us to carry him in my arms but I had to pee so Daddy Boydee whisked him off of his stroller. When I came back, Bricky reached out towards me. I carried him downstairs to our room. It was just me, Boydee and our baby Bric. We all three lay in bed, Bric occasionally moving about, but mostly drowsy. Boydee dozed off to sleep. Eventually, Bric went on light sleep mode, but couldn't quite get the position he wanted so he moved about, stirring this way and that, wiggling, scratching his head, moving his hands. Eventually, I took him in my arms and sat on our chair and lullabied him to sleep.

There is nothing more precious than cradling your baby in your arms while he dozes off to sleep. Just staring at his innocent face, eyes closed, interrupted by his mild snores, and his eyes holding on to yours while he is asleep is an experience, a moment that I'd always hold special. It's a sure heart-warmer.

I thank the Lord for the times I get to spend with my 2 Rafaels, whether separately or especially together. There's also a different warmth and kick at watching Boydee and Bric play together. Ahhh... to be surrounded with so much love and be gifted with 2 angels! What more can an ordinary wife and mother ask for?

The Coming of the Relics

The pilgrim relics of St. Therese of the Child Jesus is coming on January 15-March 13 and her first stop will be the Shrine. We're part of the Steering Committee although Boydee and I were only able to sit in this late in the planning because we were in the US for a month. Thanks to Japa for filling in for us and representing MVC with Mario and Allan.

As the day draws near, we are cramming to do what else needs to be done. For one, the merchandising opportunity had been overlooked so today, we met with Nora and Elma to discuss what souvenir items we can sell so that the possible profit can at least defray what we are about to spend. We realize that it won't really cover our expenses but what little help we can give will go a long way. It's still better than nothing. We just hope we can sell all our items.

Tomorrow, we will meet with Father Ernie, vice rector of the Shrine, to suggest and discuss possible activities for the Shrine while St. Therese's relics are there. We want to at least be secure that a lot of people will visit her there. Brother Froilan Torres is helping us with the activities - from the conceptualization to the execution. We hope Fr. Ernie approves of our proposal.

TV and print ads are already in place with fliers and posters to follow.

We hope and pray her visit to the Philippines will be a success in the sense that a great number of people's faith will be renewed and rekindled. If even just one person will be inspired to do good things and affect others because of her visit here, then the trip will not have been in vain.

Christmas Realization

Had Christmas Mass at home at 10:30pm. While receiving Jesus in Holy Communion, I thanked Him for choosing to come down on earth to be with us. He could've chosen to be born in a palace or even the lowly inn, but He chose to be born in a humbler place - a manger. He could've chosen to be born to a wealthy family, but he chose to be a carpenter's son. He could've chosen NOT to have been born here on earth at all because He knew what fate awaited Him. He knew the road was going to be rough; He knew He had to suffer and die for us, and yet, even if He could've just passed on the cup, He took it because of His great love for us. He knew the outcome and yet He still went on His mission.

I realized in life, it isn't the destination that matters most of the time, but the path towards it. In the past few days, I would be filled with questions and would feel sorry for myself and for our baby because of the fate that awaits him. I couldn't understand why I had to carry him if he were not to survive anyway. Why did God have to let me go through this pregnancy for nothing? Why did our baby have to be formed if he would say goodbye so soon? Why endure this 'waiting' when we know the outcome already?

Tonight, my questions may not have found answers but I have taken on a different mindset. Jesus knew He was going to be born, only to die for us. With his birth came the promise of a death so cruel and painful because it was His mission to fulfill. With my second pregnancy, although the choice of having to be pregnant with a 'dying' baby was not a choice we made, it is a fact that has been given to us. With River, we know that it will only be a matter of days or even hours before God will call him to heaven but it shouldn't mean that all is for naught. God has His reasons, and even if we can not find the answers right away, I will follow Jesus' example and embrace what God has chosen as my fate, as well as that of our baby's. Again, it isn't whether we reach our destination, but the path we take to reach it. I intend to reach the finish line, that of delivering River safely out of my womb and into heaven with his baptism, bravely, and in full surrender of God's will. I will try to conquer my doubts, my fears, my sadness and just lift all to God, trusting He will watch over us all.

Happy birthday Jesus! Thank You for Your example and for giving Yourself to us. May You find a peaceful home in our hearts as You come on earth to be with us.

The Last Days Before Christmas

Two more days before Christmas... The gifts have been wrapped and ready for giving. Food to be served on the Eve and on the day have been planned, prepared, ordered, bought and some, ready for pick up tomorrow.

Today, we just spent an afternoon with the children ages 5-10 from Marytown, the squatters area behind the Gavinos' house. There were about 210 kids in all. What a riot! But it was fun. I miss those outreach activities we used to hold in Cebu. For the Zugbuanas, it was the Looc children which we celebrated Christmas with. Our SHS-G Alumnae would host lunch for the orphans of Don Bosco. My little foundation would spend an afternoon with the Busay kids complete with food, balloons and games. Of course, they didn't reach 200 but it was our little way of sharing the spirit of Christmas and giving back whatever blessings God has given us to the less fortunate.

When I have time, I'd like to choose a charity Boydee and I can help with - perhaps an orphanage or a center for children afflicted with cancer. Didn't have the time to scout around for one this year. But then again, we don't have to wait til Christmas to give, right? So, maybe after the holidays.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It'll be Bric's second Christmas. How fast time flies indeed. It only feels like yesterday when I held our little baby in our arms. Now, he's an 11kg baby!!!

As for our 2nd... Lately, I've been asking God why He gave me, He gave us, this painful reality of having to carry a baby (almost to full term) and not have our baby live. Each time I feel this baby in my womb move, I feel sad and helpless. It seems this littlest one is a fighter and yet, it really isn't in our hands what fate he has before him/her. More than the fear of the eventual delivery and the complications that may come with it, what pains me most is the outcome. River (that will be his name) wasn't even given a choice, nor the chance to fight it out. Just 5 months in my tummy and his fate had been sealed. How sad is that?!? And yet we can not question Him. There has got to be a reason. For now, the answer evades me.

This Christmas will be the first and the last our 2nd will spend with us. And he has no choice but to spend it inside me. For now, this is our complete family. Until our next baby or babies.

It's a happy/sad Christmas... but we always just have to look at the bright side. We just have to look beyond ourselves and focus on Jesus' birth. He came to earth to be with us, to save us, to guide us. That is more than we can ever be thankful for.

Bric's Birthday Plans

I started planning early for what was to have been Bric's BIG birthday celebration. The concept was floating in my mind since September this year and I already had an excel file listing down props, the menu, loot bag concepts and food carts. It was to have been a beach-themed party - a summer party in the middle of December with beach balls lining the column walls, perhaps a sand bar or inflatable pools, loot bags consisting of a pail, shovel, groovy sunglasses and a beach towel, among others. Somewhere along the way, I got stuck and had second thoughts about the beach theme. It was going to be, after all, on a December day when perhaps the chilly wind would have found its way in. Summer in the midst of "winter" wasn't very apt. So, the brainstorming stopped and the concept was temporarily shelved. I was taking my time waiting for inspiration to hit me again.

Except that it wasn't inspiration that hit me, hit us. It was the sad news of our 2nd baby. Then we had to fly to the States. With only less than a week to prepare for Bric's birthday, I visited Blimpworks for a possible set up for a simple gathering here in La Vista. Helen of Blimpworks was very accommodating and I got excited when I saw their catalog for a 'jungle/circus' theme and a unicyclist/juggler for entertainment. With that, I wanted to move the celebration to the 16th so more kids could join. On the other hand, Boydee and I were amenable to having a 'simple' celebration.

When I got home, I told Boydee the concept. He was pretty practical about the whole thing and
expressed that perhaps by this time, Christmas parties would have been scheduled already, and if we were gonna do something half-baked, we might as well just go for the 'simple' celebration.

After a series of short discussions, we finally settled on having a just us dinner - meaning tayo tayo lang dinner with just the immediate family on both sides - Dizons and Uys - at a Chinese restaurant. We will, of course, bring Bric to Mass and have Father give him a birthday blessing.

So that's how Bric's 1st birthday will be spent. No lavish props nor hired entertainers. Just the family, and just Mass. But that's all that really matters. He will be surrounded by the people who truly love him, and blessed by the One who created him. It may not be a 'festive' birthday, but it will be a meaningful one.

To our beloved first born son, you have brought so much joy, energy, love and laughter in our lives. We can not thank God enough for the gift of your life in our lives. May God continue to bless you with good health and abundant love. May you grow up to be an intelligent, kind-hearted, handsome man who will serve God in the best way He wants you to serve Him. We love you, our little, smiling one.

Back to Reality

After a month in the States, we're now back home. After a series of check ups and consultations, after a pocket vacation with Rondic and Elizza with Mommy Shalene and Boydee in Virginia (Williamsburg, Yorktown, Jamestown and Washington DC) with much thanks to Zendle and Patrick (sis and bil of Zhar) for welcoming us into their home with Tita Belle to take care of us, after a weekend trip to Las Vegas courtesy of Tita Belen at Mandalay with Mom, Roc, Randy and Stella, we are finally back in Manila.

Bric picked us up at the airport and at first, he didn't want to be carried in my arms. He would cry... And it literally tore my heart to pieces! Eventually, he warmed up and my heart was mended. I could finally hold our baby in my arms and kiss him all I wanted. He's now such a grown boy!!! He can sit up straight and crawl very fast! And my, what a noisy boy!!! He's very adamant when he wants something and would not settle until he gets it. Uh-oh, symptoms of a spoiled child? Hopefully not! Hehehe...

I just have to thank Ate Rona for taking good care of our baby while we were away and for keeping us updated with his developments through her blog which I read and re-read and checked almost daily whenever I could.

As for my pregnancy, well, our 2nd baby is still moving about in my womb. And there are times when explaining about our situation seems mechanical, just so we don't put too much emotions into an already painful plight. Fear and sadness still envelop me in my quiet moments but I am helpless to do anything. I wish I didn't have to carry our baby to full term, only to watch him slip away so soon, and for me to risk a caesarian operation again. I wish God would call our baby quietly and peacefully back into His kingdom with the slightest pain or suffering on our part. Of course, the most fervent prayer would be to have our baby survive and live a normal, healthy life. Nothing short of a miracle, but I don't want to hope and risk falling deeper into sadness. We've accepted our fate, and we've offered our baby to God. I just wish this in-between, middle state would be decided soon so life can go on and our baby will not have to suffer. And my heart wouldn't be soo torn for feeling sorry for our 2nd baby because he doesn't stand a chance on earth. I can't say sorry enough... although I know it isn't our fault. Tragedies strike sometimes. It just had to strike on us.

Coping...

Boydee and I have felt at peace ever since we made the firm decision to keep our baby and continue with the pregnancy. And so far, we've been doing a great job in looking at the brighter side and cheering ourselves up despite our situation.

But there are lulls when thoughts turn to our baby and the tears silently flow. It is hard to look at this bump in my body with happy thoughts because we both know how it will turn out. I feel so sorry that I can't carry him nor hold him in my arms but I console myself and him that when the time comes, Mama Mary and the saints will cradle him in theirs. I'm sorry that he can't see our world, but that where he's going will be a much more beautiful and better place. I'm sorry we can not have the chance to watch him grow, or lavish him with attention or toys because he'll be taken away so soon.

Oh baby!!! I am so sorry for this but please know that you are loved. In fact, you must be very special, God wants you back with Him right away. He's only letting us borrow you for so short a time and here inside me.

I can feel our baby moving and kicking in my womb and I feel a certain kind of melancholy. This pregnancy can not be completely happy because of its outcome. It is a weird feeling to carry a living being, perhaps reaching even up to full term, and know that he will eventually be taken away after a few minutes. It's like you're supposed to move forward but you don't actually get anywhere. It's weird to be handling this pregnancy like any other normal one because the real motivation or purpose of doing so has disappeared.

Now, I take care of myself just so I'll have no or lesser complications when the time comes for me to deliver. I can not even use the term "give birth" because the life of my baby is so short lived. So, the excitement, the joy of progressing in this pregnancy is 'lost', and the essence has lessened.

I haven't really reached the point of self-pity, nor do I question God for giving us this painful cross to bear. I know despite all else, we are still so blessed. There are just times when I just wish things turned out differently, that things could've been better and we would have been gifted with a normal pregnancy, and a normal, healthy child.

But it isn't the case, and God has other plans for us. We just have to keep the faith, and trust in Him. I pray He take care of me and our baby. I ask the Lord to take him away peacefully and painlessly when He calls him back to heaven.